Legolas Rant
by Avalon's mists
Summary: Legolas complains about the thing people say about him. And I continue with some plotlessness. WARNING: Do not read.
1. Chapter 1

This is not written by J. R. R Tolkien. He owns Lotr. Hint hint. And do not expect canon. Legolas does not live with me,.yet. A bit more paperwork and he is mine.

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" Hey Legolas is your last name really Greenleaf ?" I said as he was watching Tenth Kingdom.

"NO. People always think my last name is Greenleaf cause of that stupid poem. And the stupid human who haven't seen the poem say It's because of my eyes! Or because I'm a wood elf. It a translation Will they ever learn?

" We get it."

" And don't get me started on the people who think I look like a girl!"

"Legolas ."

" And I don't like Aragorn that way."

"Don't make me play the Numa Numa song Legolas."

", I'm silent." Legolas said while his face turned pale."

:good boy"

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Read and review . 


	2. Chapter 2

This has nothing got do with the first chappie. But you know review and tell me it sucked.

"Hey authoress are all the people that live in the AU as messed up as you?" Legolas said.

" I am not messed up"

" Yes you are. If you weren't how come you dumped water on a person?' He asked.

" He deserved that and any way he forgave me."

"He threatened to kill you! You call that forgiven?"

" Close enough." I replied.

"Fine" Legolas replied as he tried to think of another example of my insanity.

" Remember that time you when you made it through the portal into Mirkwood and you got attacked by rabid fangirls and you used a clove of garlic to ward them off because you thought they were vampires?"Legolas looked thoughtful for a moment and said

" You never answer my question."

"Legolas if everyone in AU was as crazy as me it would be pandemonium. Their are a lot of crazy people though."

"Like you." Legolas said under his breath.

" surely you do not imply I'm mad?" Legolas laughed and fell onto a nearby potted plant.

" I am not going to answer that." He said repressing a grin.

" Good."

I know it wasn't that good but review anyway. In all my stories the total reviews equal 12. Please review. And this new updated verison(with ten percent more grammar! Now in your local supermarket!) Is thanks _to Psalm 136 ._


	3. By the Valar NOT WILL

It a bird! It's a plane no wait its Avalon's Mist telling the world she doesn't own lotr. This fic lost it's plot somewhere( Maybe Legolas stole it?) But I like writing and of all my fics (Read the poem about the forging of the One Ring poem and review it mortal! Mwhahahahahahahahha) it has the most reviews..Really pathetic considering there are currently only seven. Yeah but I'm really happy cause my brother came back from Israel .Thank you to the reviewers "Starts sing Reviewers make the writing world go round. Frink out

"Legolas?" I said while watching a blank tv.

"What?" He replied.

"I'm bored."

Ah yes it is my job to entertain you eh?" He stared at the blank screen.

" If you don't I cam write you into a story where you Captain Jack Sparrow , Will Turner, Simon Tam, and Willy Wonka are all trapped on a island." I said with a evil grin.

"By the Valar no!" Legolas said with a grimace. " Not WILL TURNER!"

" What do you have against Will?"

" He's annoying alright. In fact of all the people I've been introduced to Simon Tam is the most tolerable." Legolas said while playing with a loose thread on his tunic.

" What's wrong with Willy and Jack?"I compelled Legolas to answer me.

" Willy Wonka's really weird and Jack Sparrows always drunk." He snapped.

" NO that's where your wrong little man. Jacks only drunk half the time so he is awesome the other half. And how can you not love Willy Wonka.? He makes candy!"I screamed.

"He dresses like a pimp." Legolas calmly replied.

"No he does not!"

" You admitted it once." Legolas said.

" Wait a sec. I'm confused, are we talking about Depp Or Wilder?"

" Ahggggg" he groaned.

Hope you liked that. Review or face my wraith..I'd like to thank** Elven BlueEyes, MoonlitStarDestiny, Arodeil the Elf of Rohan,and Psalm 136 **for reviewing.


	4. Yet another beg for reviews

First of all I would like to thank** moonlitStarDestiny and Psalms 136 **for reviewing. I love my Reviewers! But there are only nine of them. Out of all the 456 people who have looked at Legolas' Rant 9 have reviewed. SO I have decided to take action. I will not update till I have at least 14 reviews. And now for a sneak peek of next chapter.

" Dear Eru in Valinor and all his crazy cousins, NOT the CHEESE WIZ." Legolas panicked.

"Actually it's generic cheese spread in a can, it was two for one at Safeway."

" Even worse!" Legolas screamed and promptly ran around the room like a headless chicken.

I am sooooooooo evil. R and R. Mwhahahahahahhahahahahahaha "cough."


	5. My Eyes WHAT HAVE THEY DONE!

Hi again, I just wanna thank** inuchick22, psalms136, Elvin BlueEyes, and Kelso Queen of Genovia.** for reviewingAnd I am so happy .I love my reviewers and the authors who I read when I need inspiration for this plot less piece of crap I call a story( See warning label) I need to write a more detailed Leggy

" Don't call me that!"

" Shut up Legolas". Well on to the show!(tap dances off)

WARNING; This is not to be read if you have had more than 6 hours of sleep the night before this. Contents under pressure.

"Hahahhahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahhahah!" They authoress shrieked in delight.

" What's happening? Did nazguls attack?" Legolas said frantically

'No , even worse." I said trying to contain my laughter. "I suggest you sit down when you hear this." Legolas sat down preparing himself to hear the worst.

" once upon a time there was a elf named Julia. She was the prettiest girl in Mirkwood. One day she was with her friend and a hunting party came in. A blonde elf came up to talk to her. _Hello my name is Legolas. _He said_. Hi my name is Julia. _She said as he helped her onto his horse. He started to speed up and she put her arms around his waist."

" Ok" legolas interrupted" I don't want to hear the rest of this."

" Leggy I'm scaring you for life, shut up." So I continued.

"In the evening she found Legolas by the fire_. Ah my princess has arrived _. He said. Then they started to kiss and make out**. I'll **skip to the evil end now leggy. Julia the fair woke up in her bed with Frodo next to her and Legolas in the bed with her. She got up and put on a blue tube dress that reached her perfect thighs_. My love you look lovely._** And** I'm also gonna skip the last bit cause of a lemon scene. Lets just say you have 29 kids." I shuddered.

" I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know. **" **He said while rocking back and forth.

" Sad huh? I found it on quizilla. It's a sue but the people on quizilla think its good. Here's a different one. It's About Elrond and you and silk scarves."

Please no. If you do I'll destroy your Harry and the Potters cd's" He declared in a threatening tone.

"Don't make me get out you know what."

" Dear Eru in Valinor and all his crazy cousins, NOT the CHEESE WIZ." Legolas panicked.

"Actually it's generic cheese spread in a can, it was two for one at Safeway."

" Even worse!" Legolas screamed and promptly ran around the room like a headless chicken.

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Please review. And never read any story about Legolas on Quizilla. They are all mary sues. And they write 5 page long detailed sex scenes. I used one of those horrible pieces to help me with my little evil "story" But I am enclosing a part of a story. Don't read if you have a weak stomach.

(Gripping the sheets tightly in his hands, he thrust once, twice, three times.

Idril cried out his name quietly as his seed spilled into her. They both clung to each other as they rode out their orgasms throughout the night.)

Its horrible. Please review as I am scared for life by having to read that crap.


	6. The randomness ensues

I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAck. Sorry it took me so long to update. I didn't have any idea where this fic was going. Of coarse I still don't and starting to think it doesn't have a plot. But now I shall continue my rant about how quizilla is incompetent. I don't own anything you recognize.

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" Hmm. Curious." I said while staring at the clock.

"What's curious?" Legolas asked with a grin.

" According to this clock I should have died 10 minutes ago." I thoughtfully looked at Legolas." Do you think something happened?"

" Why are you asking me?" He questioned.

" Cause you're a freaky death defining elf."

" Wait a decade, did you just call me freaky." He glared.

" I believe I did." I said grinning at him.

" And this is coming from the person who drinks pickle juice."

" Yeah well your hair always stays perfect in battle." I lamely retorted.

" Well you're the one who thinks Jareths trying to kill you cause of that fanfic." Legolas snarled.

" I Knew it!" I shouted in triumphant glee.

" knew what?" Legolas asked.

" I can't believe your cheating on your fangirls with JARETH! Of all people you choose the mullet having, tights wearing ,baby snatching, spontaneous song singing king of the goblins!"

" Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? I am not... I can't even say that it's just to gross." Legolas grimaced.

" Come on it only slightly grosser than you and Gimli."

"Ok that's It! I'm gonna summon the Goblin king so he can kill you. ( Words omitted for safety.)

" Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! What have you done.? Gotta hide now!" I screamed and hid behind Legolas.

" What's wrong with you?" All of a sudden the randomly placed doorbell rang. Legolas whent and opened the door.

" Hello"

" You summoned me?" Jareth said with a evil grin. Before he could answer I started giggling from behind the couch.

" Ello captain tight pants." I popped up.

" Oh no not you!"

" That joke is really overused." Legolas sighed.

" What's said is said."

" Stop using my lines!" Jareth screamed.

" I think you and Legolas should talk." As soon as I said this thought I was gagged and bound by Legolas And Jareth.

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And my lame attempt at humor continues. Review or I'll wish you away to the goblins and their tights wearing king. 


	7. Oops I forgot somthing

Ok I forgot to thank my reviewers. So roll out the red carpet for Penguinfragger, Elvin BlueEyes ,and Suigami Kameko. I love you all. Have a great year.


	8. Never annoy the Goblin King

It's been a really long time since I have updated but I saw Labyrinth and my lotr obsession cooled off. Its getting better thought. Here it is, the moment you've been waiting for

Here it is, you know exactly what's in store

Now's the time we laugh until our sides get sore now it time we get on to this fic.

Me no own you stupid lawyers.

" owwwwwwwwwww. Legolas what happened?" I groaned

" You annoyed The Goblin King you moron! He stuck us in a oubliette!"

" But what about the authoress powers?" I questioned.

" Look I have better things to worry about then getting out of here!" Legolas snapped

" You do? Like what?'

" I lost my tunic" He mumbled.

" this is awesome. I just happen to have a camera ." I grinned There was a small click and a flash.

" Lets see what the fan girls say When I put this on the internet."

" you wouldn't dare!" He shrieked.

" Legolas you have forgotten one thing."

"What?" he asked.

" " I'm crazy!" I laughed.

" of all the authors in the world I had to get stuck with you." he sighed.

" I could always give you to iluvorlado77 "

"I'll be good. Hey can't you use your authoress powers to give me a tunic and get us out of here?" He mused.

" Fine, fine." There was a small beep.

" There you have a tunic lets poof out of here."

" I hate doing that." Legolas said while examining his new tunic_. POOF_.

Now it's time for revenge! Mwhahhahahahahhhahahhahahahah. Cough."

Sorry for the short chapter but I have not updated in a while so I wrote it. It's not as funny as the other chapters I think. But please review. I will update again when I get 5 more reviews. I know people are reading this! I would like_ Elvin BlueEyes _and _Aurora Execution_ for reviewing.

Legolas: She's just getting crazier than normal. She actually started to watch Disney Movies. The Horror!

Me: Shut up.


	9. The tights game

Sorry it's taken a long time to post but I have writers block( drags out a huge blue block)It seems people don't like Jareth a lot so I'm redirecting this. Thanks to_ Insane Originality _and _Wigitdog. _

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" Hey look ,we're back!" Legolas cried out. 

"Hey look, we're Pants!" I replied.

"What are you on!" He sighed.

What are pants on?" I mimicked back.

"I'm about ready to kill you now! Shut up!"

"I'm about ready to pants you now!" I said grinning.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Please NO! I wanna live!" Legolas crawled behind the couch. " The rabid fans would rip me to shreds!"

" You know as tempting as it is to say The rabid pants would rip me to shreds I think I'll be nice. Anyway your wearing tights."

'Their not tights their leggings!" He screamed. Suddenly Jareth the Goblin King popped in.

" Their tights luv." He wobbled and fell down.

" Have you been drinking?"

" No Jack has, I just had a couple drinks." He slurred. Legolas pushed him out the door.

" Go AWAY! Drunk guy out of the house!"

" Kay I'm going. But you will always remember this as the day you almost caught Jareth!"

"No we won't!" Legolas retorted. With that Jareth popped out.

"Well that was weird."

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R and R 


	10. Random Holiday Special

I know its been a long time since I've updated but my muse was on a break. I'm watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas and I decided even though I don't celebrate Christmas I'll do a holiday chapter. Please don't be offended, it is a parody.

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" Come on Legolas. We're watching the Grinch."

" Why?" He asked. Legolas sighed and started walking away. Then suddenly a cat flew out of the chimney and landed on his face.

"That's why."I replied.

" Mhpp. Gerofme." He shrieked.

" Sivon sof ,sof, sof , Hanukkah ROCKS!" I yelled. While Legolas finally got the cat of his face.

" You could have helped you know. In fact why are you watching Christmas specials? Your not Christian. Your religion has something to do with the guys in the black coats and long white beards!"

" Have you been watching the Chabad telethon again?" I asked. Legolas looked at his feet.

" Your really barking mad."

" Well who doesn't want to see dancing Rabbi's?" I sighed

" you keep thinking that Leggy."

" Anyway all holidays have their weird cartoons. I was talking to Simon and he said where he comes from all the winter holidays have merged to create one glorious glob!" He grinned.

" Now that was a insane rant."

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Sorry it was so short and not funny. I just felt I should update. Thanks to Ogreatrandom, iana silmir, and its-never- lupus. And don't worry POGLUVER my day job is safe. 


	11. A Poll

Me: Look filler carefully disguised as part of the actual story!

Legolas: Have you been reading online comics again?

Me: I invoke the 5.

Legolas: WTF

Me: It mean I don't have to state evidence against me in court.

Legolas: that only works in America, we're in fanon. ( To reader(s) , yes this is in fanon verse.)

Me: Aww

Legolas: You can't complain! You just jumped randomly out of your chair and started sing Gondorian Idiot!

Me: But really I own nothing recognizable. But since you can barely recognize anyone I guess I own them!

* * *

"So Legolas we're her to talk about investment plans. As you are uninsured this will come out of your pay check," Legolas blinked twice and screamed.

" Really this is a poll carefully disguised as actual story!" I smiled.

" if this isn't actually part of the story can I leave? Because whatever we do won't afect the plotlessness .I was watching Eragon in the other room anyway," Legolas said. I stopped dragging out a white board and looked at him.

" No, If the audience gets bored I need you to be comic relief." I started to write on the board. Legolas grew angry.

" Since when have I been comic relief?" He yelled. I rolled my eyes.

"Roll the clip." The room went black and a movie started to play.

_( The Movie. Note cheesy music is playiong)_

"_Dear Eru in Valinor and all his crazy cousins, NOT the CHEESE WIZ." Legolas panicked._

"_Actually it's generic cheese spread in a can, it was two for one at Safeway."_

" _Even worse!" Legolas screamed and promptly ran around the room like a headless chicken._

" _Anyway all holidays have their weird cartoons. I was talking to Simon and he said where he comes from all the winter holidays have merged to create one glorious glob!" He grinned._

" _You could have helped you know. In fact why are you watching Christmas specials? Your not Christian. Your religion has something to do with the guys in the black coats and long white beards!" _

(End movie)

" Point taken," Legolas sat down on a couch and looked glum.

" Now it's up to you! If you would like this to remain plotless pick A. If you want a plot pick B. If you want Guest appearances Pick C. And If you want me to get a Beta. Help me find one. Your opinions matter!" I smiled cheesily and sat down.

" Wanna go see what happens if you give pixie sticks and rum to Jack?" I questioned.

" Heck Yeah!"

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I would like to that _Ogreatrandom, elfmaiden93, Mikagami Mifuyuu.__, missmonkey91, kit119, and iana silmir._ So many reviews! And this really is a poll. I just felt I should update. I tried to keep it as funny as possible. 


	12. Not my best idea

I don't own Lotr. Now with 15 percent more description. I'd like to thank the people who reviewed. I think I replied to all of you though. And now the continuation of what would happen if you gave Jack pixie sticks and rum. I don't own Lord of the Rings. I'm sorry it took so long. I've been working on another story called "Nights in London". I'm actually trying to finish it.

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Legolas and I were currently staring at a Jack shaped hole in the living rooms wall. It actually improved the wall seeing as how it was covered in green and puce striped wall paper.

" When do you think Jack will circle the globe and come back?" Legolas questioned.

I shrugged.

"I don't know. I'm afraid he'll plow right through us. If it weren't for the mini pie in the microwave there would be a me shaped cutout in the wall." There was a beep. "Hey look. It's done." Legolas gave me a death glare o doom. " fine, I' _won't_ plow through the wall. I hope you feel guilty! You just wrecked my one chance of running through a wall!"

" You can run through a wall any time you want! When has stuff that defies logic every stopped you?" Legolas rolled his eyes and started walking to the squishy purple couch opposite the Jack shape cutout. Unfortunately that was exactly when Jack decided he want to run through the wall he hadn't popped a hole in.

"Now can I run?" I asked. Legolas nodded and sidestepped to avoid being crushed while I ran into the kitchen, to get my mini pie, what else? I walked back to find Legolas sitting on the couch.

" Hey. You do know you're staring a Jack shaped cutout in the wall right? The tv is currently in orbit." Legolas continued to stare at the Jack shaped hole. So I decided to poke him in the shoulder and then he fell over.

"Ah! Legolas is two dimensional! I always knew this would happen! Alas all that's left of him

is a bunch of crappy fanfiction! Is this, the end...?"

* * *

Well I have no idea where this came from. This might be the last chapter in a while, as I said I want to work on some other stories. I think this might even be the last chapter. I'm going to write a sequel that I'm going to try to write with Legolas in character. Or I might be pulling your leg. 


	13. Done Wrong

It's been a while hasn't it? This is me trying to salvage this. I'm trying to keep it within the original spirit of the thing I called a story while actually making a effort to for at least a little bit of in characterness. Now that doesn't mean it's going to be good and in character( though I will try), it means it will be marginally less horrible. I now feel bad writing Lord of the Rings fanfiction because I can't really hold a candle to Tolkien.

* * *

I kicked at the Legolas cutout for a bit, yes, I was wondering why he had been talking only a few minutes ago but considering the situation I could stand to not think about that. At around the tenth foot prod something very strange happened, there was a flash of light, soft foot fall and a tall elf stood in the Jack shaped cut out in the wall. The elf was practically glowing on first glance but on closer examination it was just the sun. Wow, haven't seen that for a while.

"Ms. Mists, I am Elrond and am here representing Legolas and Middle Earth kind," he spoke calmly but of course all I could think was along the lines of- he really does have strange eyebrows.

"Why you?" I asked. He glared back at me, still dignified though.

"Because, no one else would do it." Elrond acknowledged. "You're first and possibly most important lesson is never post anything at two A.M. without at least checking it over once. Knowing you and your kin you've left in at least a hundred mistakes." He stared back down at me from the tip of his nose.

"Any questions?" He asked making it perfectly clear that any mistakes on my part would be punished.

"Er, yeah .What are we supposed to do about the fourth wall? It has a hole in it the size of most of fandom."

Elrond sighed and rested his fingertips against his temples, this was going to take a long while.


End file.
